


Hush hush

by xNailedIt



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Kylo Ren Redemption, Lightsabers, Post-Canon, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, Young Ben Solo, balance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-23 02:11:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13180197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xNailedIt/pseuds/xNailedIt
Summary: /after the last jedi/What are they supposed to do now? They're both torn apart by a war not worth fighting.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have ideas in my head that are going to kill me if they don't get written. So here we are! Hope you enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ▪when I try to forget you I just keep on remembering▪  
> ▪What we had, it was so true.  
> Somehow, we lost everything.▪

Rey doesn't know if she should be relieved or worried.

It has been several weeks since the battle on Crait. During those weeks, there have been no threats or signals from the First Order. It has been quiet. She can't help but wonder if they have a bigger plan and it's a calm before the storm or if they... _he_ believes they have become too weak and unimportant to be paid attention to.

But the Resistance has been trying to gather strength, trying to communicate with their allies. They are slowly rising again, silently, secretly.

Leia, however, seems to be more weakened with each day that passes. Rey doesn't know if the others have noticed it too, if they have they don't talk about it. She can see the General's pain written on her face each time she excuses herself to her room. 

Rey can do nothing but watch as Leia Organa withers little by little every day. Aware of the reasons behind that.

She tries. She tries, every  _damn_ day, to put whatever happened between her and the monster wearing Ben Solo's face behind. She tries to form anger and hate. She tries to forget with her friendships.

But it seems things aren't the same when it comes to that as well. Time passed not only for her.

Finn met Rose. And it's not that Rey's jealous, not at all, Finn is her first friend, her best friend and she doubts that will change. She likes Rose, she really does. She's happy that Finn found someone that cares for him the way Rose does. The girl looks totally in love with him, it makes Rey smile. 

There is a small pang of loneliness though. She wishes she could have what they have. She wishes it wasn't all so complicated and heavy on her, that she could enjoy someone's warmth. But her life was never meant to be easy.

She likes Poe. He is someone the Resistance could rely on-and is relying on- and he's very friendly. He inspired the remains of the rebels and he was easy to talk to. She liked his company. She also found his love for BB8 amusing. 

It was hard, explaining to them what happened on the Supremacy. 

She felt like she needed to keep the connection through the Force a secret. She did tell them that she believed Kylo Ren would turn. Her friends were confused but rushed to tell her that it was okay, that she shouldn't feel guilty about anything. It was all his fault. She shouldn't be blamed for seeing good in someone. She shouldn't be blamed for the fact that he is now Supreme Leader. It's all in the past.

Rey wanted it to be. 

When the time to sleep comes around, she can think of his face, she can think of the fight with the Praetorian Guards and how it made her feel, how he made her feel.

It was like they were wild animals but at the same time, she had never felt more in tune with the Force. It sang with approval as she fought beside him. And even though they had never fought together before, they were in perfect sync with each other, both with one goal, to protect and be protected. 

It was balance a voice wanted to say.

Rey's pillow stained with tears for many nights. Because of the simple fact that she wanted him to be here with her. The anger she had managed to form was at herself. For feeling this way. 

The lack of First Order attacks wasn't the only thing she felt conflicted about feeling relieved or worried about. 

The Force hadn't connected them ever since she closed the door of the Falcon. Was it just an aftershock? Snoke was dead. Had he created something beyond his control or had he just manipulated what the Force birthed? She didn't know, she knew nothing about how this connection worked. 

She had been studying the old Jedi texts she had taken from Ach-To for a little while and she hadn't come across any explanation yet.

A part of her wishes she can see him again through their unique bond. 

Rey wishes for a lot of things.

 

 

* * *

 

* * *

 

 

A few days later, she is watching a Resistance meeting when she suddenly senses the familiar shift in the Force.

The feel of it takes her breath away and makes her heart tremble. 

Sound goes out.

He's a couple of feet away from her.

She inhales deeply and closes her parted lips. She tries to hold a cold and guarded expression. His is intense and murderous.

"So I guess this is going to keep happening." She hears the echo of her firm words and stares at his face.

He doesn't answer.

She looks away and swallows. "I'm going to ignore y-"

"You left me." He says with a deep voice and she is unable to read any emotion laced with it.

She doesn't know how to reply. She didn't imagine he would think this way. She truly had left him, hadn't she? When they were pushed away by the Force, she had hesitated a moment to run to him and see if he was alright but her friends were in danger already and she was in panic. She left him on Crait, too. 

She lets sadness slip into her expression. "There was no other way." She murmurs, her gaze on the floor.

"There was!" He hisses. She looks up to see him twist his face in madness and try to calm himself afterwards.

Rey looks at him sadly. "You know that I can't join you."

"You are a fool." He says apathetically. "The Resistance is weak. You are all fools."

"Your mother, too?" She narrows her eyes at him.

She sees him grit his teeth. "General Organa is dead."

She furrows her brows and blinks at him. "No, she's not. She's here."

His bottom lip quivers and his eyelids flutter. A moment passes and she wonders why he thought of Leia as dead. And since he did, he wasn't aware that she was there, on Crait when he ordered the attack...

"Where are you?" He lets out, his expression pained.

She pauses. "You know where I am."

And then he's gone.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is gonna be up in a few hours (i hope)  
> Leave a comment if you'd like. Thank you so much for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ▪So go on live your life  
> ▪So go on say goodbye  
> So many questions but I don't ask why▪

Supreme Leader Kylo Ren of the First Order.

Where is the satisfaction in hearing it? He is the most powerful man in the galaxy. He is in a position higher than Darth Vader. He has the world at his feet and all he feels is anger and pain. 

It's all he ever feels. Will it ever change? 

It won't. He knows. 

But this is right where he needs to be, he tells himself, this is exactly what he was born to do. He was born to rule the galaxy, to have power. 

She won't ruin that. 

The things he has sacrificed to be here, the things he's done... there is no turning back.

It doesn't matter that he's doing this without her, it doesn't matter that he risked all he had for her, only for his offer to be declined. It doesn't matter that after all he's done, the light shines seductively and his conflict is still driving him insane. Nothing matters. 

Nothing but his power and the order he will bring. 

Maker, it's difficult to convince himself of all this sometimes. The emptiness and the loneliness she left him with dig at his bones and beg to devour him.

Not having Snoke whisper in his head is something he isn't used to. His mind hasn't been his own for so long. He hasn't been alone in his mind for  _years._  It's almost scary to him now. There's no one to tell him what to do, no one's approval to seek of, no one to judge and question him.

Except... Hux.

He absolutely hates the man and he knows he feeling is mutual. He would have killed him if it wasn't for his need of a General. And it's still dangerous to keep him alive. 

Kylo supposes the General has suspicions about what happened in Snoke's throne room. The irritating ginger-head isn't as stupid as to believe one girl murdered Snoke and his Guards and left Kylo unconscious. The Supreme Leader hangs on to the fact that Hux fears him. 

He must keep an eye on him, though. Hux could prove to be a threat. 

It's an outrage to even consider this, that his own army, the First Order could be disloyal to him. It's his now! To hell with high treason, he shouldn't have to answer to anyone.

Damn it all, it's her fault. Ever since he met her, everything has been spiralling out of control. 

She has made him feel things and want things he can't have and it drives him mad with fury.

Rey.

His equal in the Force. Her powers, her force-sensitivity was awakened, was given to her to mirror his own. In a way, she was made for him. 

And that thought alone, makes him hurt even more.

Because they would have been brilliant together. The Force brought them to each other, because no, he doesn't trust his old, deformed Master who was no more. Their connection was a gift from the Force itself.

Both a gift and a curse.

He will have to carry her with him forever, if their connections do indeed keep happening. What a dreadful blessing.

He hadn't reached for his mother after her ship exploded. He thought that was it. And he was terrified of a confirmation through the Force. 

Of course, it could be a trick. Rey had told him he wasn't alone and then proceeded to leave him alone. He didn't want to believe he had disappointed his mother this much. He didn't want to give the light inside him more strength. It was easier to deny Rey's claim.

He looks at the endless stars from his window.

Kylo Ren often remembers Vader's burnt mask. He idolized his grandfather for a long time. 

The mask is not with him anymore. Perhaps it is a weakness to seek out his relative, but it was a weakness he wanted to afford. He was the only one who would have been approving of who he was. 

What would Darth Vader think of his grandson now? 

Kylo Ren felt a shift in the Force. For a moment, he thought it was his bond with the scavenger. But it felt completely different. 

He turns around slowly to examine his surroundings and focuses on the energy he senses. 

His eyes widen and his movements stop, when he sees a man surrounded by a blue aura standing in the middle of his room.

It's a man he doesn't recognize. Kylo's gloved hand goes to his lightsaber, immediately on guard.

_"Hello, Ben."_

Kylo's nostrils flare at the mention of his birth name. How does this man know it? His eyes wide, his ignites his saber and points it at the young man. "That isn't my name. Who are you?!" He growls.

" _I'm Anakin Skywalker. You know me better by the name Darth Vader."_

Kylo's jaw slacks. His saber lowers and he shuts it off. He stares at the figure in front of him in doubt and shock.

"Are you really?" He asks in a small voice. "Why are you here? Why now?" He questions the Force ghost.

Anakin Skywalker seems to be taking a deep breath.  _"Because it's time, grandson."_

"Time for what?" Kylo walks closer to the young man, eager to hear his words.

 _"I wish I could have spoken to you sooner, maybe it would have changed something..."_ Anakin Skywalker looks around the room and then at Kylo. _"What have you done, Ben?"_

The Supreme Leader is a little taken aback by the question. "Grandfather, I, I have become powerful, like you once were, I am going to fulfill my destiny and finish your work, as Supreme Leader of the First Order. I will rule and bring order to the galaxy."

Anakin looks at him with pity. " _And you think it will bring you happiness?"_

Kylo swallows. "That... that does not matter! Grandfather, how are you not proud? I have given everything up for this." He breathes heavily.

Anakin smiles sadly. _"You are doing the same mistakes as me, Ben. You have brought pain and misery upon yourself. Don't let it be the end of you."_

"No!" Kylo yelled. "You're wrong!"

_"You still have a chance, Ben, listen to me. My love for Padme made me turn to the dark side and I lost her because of it. This isn't the case for you. Your other half still breathes."_

Kylo froze. "I don't know what you are talking about." He said with a harsh tone.

_"I know you do."_

"I can't go back! I _won't_ go back! She sees me clearly now. She tried, she failed!"

_"Oh but she didn't. Not really. And if you were truly lost I wouldn't have come here. In the end, it's not us who will save you, Ben, only you can do that."_

He trembles. "Leave." 

Anakin Skywalker turns away. He vanishes into thin air as words echo in the void of Kylo's room. _Faith, Ben._

The saber's red light finds a surface easily with the help of his hard grip and Kylo screams. 

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

It's a day later when he is sitting in his room, contemplating the First Order's next move when something else extraordinary happens. 

He feels the Force shift, his whole body going rigid. His head moves around the room, slowly but with inner anticipation. 

And he swears, his heartbeat stopped.

Rey is standing next to his bed -even though she's actually not- merely two steps away from him. She is turned around, she's wearing her pants and her hair is wet, water rivulets cascading down her  _naked_ back.

He only has a moment to stare at her beautiful skin, to be enticed by the sight. But he knows the image will be printed in his mind for as long as he draws breath.

She gasps and presses her upper arms to her sides and puts on one of her faded tunics as quickly as she can. She crosses her arms after that and she turns with a frustrated and embarassed expression. She looks at his boots at most.

He doesn't speak and neither does she.

She coughs, he stays silent. Perhaps sensing the inconvenience and discomfort, the Force lets her fade away right then. 

He tries to remind himself that she's his greatest enemy, when he dreams of her skin under his fingers.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three tomorrow.  
> Thank you for reading !


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ▪Maybe someday  
> But not tonight  
> Hush hush now▪

Rey stood there for a couple of seconds after Kylo disappeared.

Did the Force like to deliberately connect them at awkward moments?

Once her pulse calmed, she finished dressing up. Her thoughts have been mainly on one person these days. Kylo Ren.

She doesn't know if she should call him Ben again. She's conflicted about many things. Their previous encounter made her question the remaining light in him. And it seems like, she can sometimes sense him in her mind, through the Force, without him appearing in front of her.

Yesterday she sensed fury and great desperation, it alarmed her and made her worry. Her friends asked her what was wrong. She told them it was nothing and smiled, she didn't know anyway. 

She shouldn't worry about him, she shouldn't care about him. He made his choice, to stand with the First Order and not help the Resistance, not help her. He preferred power and the reign of the galaxy. 

Still, she can't help the need of her soul to call out to his.

She sighed and reached for the Jedi texts. She had been studying them for weeks and apart from the dialect being intricate, there were pointless paragraphs everywhere, at least Rey thought so.

Truth is, all she was interested in reading was about their Force connection and building her lightsaber. 

Rey scanned what was left of the book she had opened and then closed it, not having learned much from it.

She opened another, of this one she had lightly read a few pages and put it aside. She took a breath and tried to concentrate on the words she was seeing.

It was a lot of pressure sometimes. Being the last Jedi, having no one to guide her and tell what to do with this power inside her. Well... there was one person but it is impossible for him to be her teacher now.

She had become a legend among the Resistance crew, a hero and a beacon of hope. Rey likes helping people and finds glee in the fact that she's encouraging them but she thinks most of them have a false perception of her. She is afraid of letting them down when a critical moment comes.

Her brows furrow for a second, catching a word in a passage, her brain realizing what she's reading.  _Balance._

Rey reads the phrases with interest. What she learns is not what she expected. 

She had sensed balance before. It was what existed between the opposing elements of nature. What was between violence and peace, warmth and cold. She knew, she had read how balance is the goal of the Jedi and the Force's desire. 

But she hadn't thought about what it meant... she hadn't imagined it meant this. The old book talked about how there cannot be balance in the Force without the light and the darkness. Much like in nature, the Force needed both. As long as there is darkness, light will appear to balance it.

Rey thought of her power rising to meet Kylo's.

_The two are a never ending chain, their conflict will only ever cease when their mutual importance is recognized and they choose to live in harmony. The Force is not evil or good, the Force simply is the Force._

_It is the life-forms, the beings touched by the energy that create teachings capable of corrupting; and their goals that threaten the equilibrium. And so, a true Jedi doesn't push at sides, a true Jedi serves the Force._

Rey was confused. 

She read the paragraphs over and over. She pondered on her own beliefs and what the book was suggesting. Coexisting? Living in harmony? 

Surely, the light rose up each time so that the darkness could be beaten? Surely, Jedi exist to fight off the Dark Side. Even though that leads to a circle... 

No, this must be an archaic view. It can't be put into work. Rey can't even begin to fathom the idea that both sides are to be encouraged. 

Rey almost missed the lines at the edge of the book that said,  _Force Bond;_ _a connection forged between two powerful force sensitives. No records of this rare occurence or myth._

Could this be what she shared with Kylo? She let out a long breath and turned the page over. There she found what she had been looking for, for months.

Finally, how to craft a lightsaber.

She puts all the rest to the back of her head and springs into action immediately. 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

She fell asleep easily that night, she can't remember the last time that happened. 

Rey's mind swam into nothingness, peace like a blanket around her, as she let out even breaths with her body curled like a ball. 

She sensed the familiar presence in her mind, it was growing. She wasn't disturbed by it at all. It gave her a feeling of belonging, with it she felt whole. 

The stars and the galaxies shone on the room, a figure covered in shadows neared the sleeping girl hesitantly. 

There was something magical about the safety of the dark. The way things were strangely more clear or misty and doubtful. The way the mystery of shadows danced around and the demons of a young boy and a young girl came out to keep them company.

A gloved hand caresses freckled skin, a touch like feathers.

The girl doesn't stir, she doesn't feel the movement, or well, it doesn't bother her slumber.

The hand moves away. 

There is a hushed whisper, voiced with immense longing that spills out of her lips. It's his name. Just his name.

His real name. The name he thought he buried, the name he despised. 

He never thought it could sound this wonderful.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a little longer than expected!  
> Comments are appreciated.  
> Thanks for reading!  
> (next chapter out tomorrow? Maybe?)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ▪Don't, don't  
> Don't you ever say a word▪  
> Word, of what you ever thought you heard  
> ▪Don't you ever tell a soul that you know▪

The light in Kylo Ren was still there.

Rey knew and she wished she didn't. The First Order threatened to attack several planets in exchange for resources and allegiance. The inhabitants were to swear loyalty to the First Order by joining the army or face execution. 

Rey prayed the babies weren't murdered, the old people too. He was a cruel man, to give such orders. She knew of his cruelty and stars, she wished she was strong enough to make it go away. Her efforts seemed to be fruitless. 

The Resistance was growing though. They acquired a ship from one of their allies that chose to stand with them again and finally, the Millenium Falcon wasn't filled with people, someone standing at every corner. 

Poe Dameron had taken control of the Resistance, the General left him to be in charge. He had moved to the ship they were given -they had asked for two but they are going to take what they can get- with most of the Resistance crew. 

The General had asked to stay in the Falcon. 

Finn and Rose stayed as well. Rey appreciated their concern. She wasn't distancing herself on purpose, she had Jedi business. The crafting of her lightsaber required a lot of focus and will. 

She had an idea in her mind about the shape of it, she bit her lip every time she thought about following it through and using the blade. It gave her excitement.

Sometimes Rey wonders what her parents would have thought of her. If they were alive in this moment, would they be regretting their decision to sell her and leave her alone? 

It did no good to ask these questions. Rey accepted her past, she chose not to throw away her broken pieces, like Kylo wanted her to. Those pieces need mending, she can only hope one day they will.

Thankfully, she could put up a smile and pretend things were better than they actually were. Most of the time she managed. 

Most of the time.

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

No one was ready for the moment Leia's eyes closed forever.

She was found lifeless in her bed. But Rey knew the exact moment it happened. So did someone else.

She was standing with Finn and Rose on the Millenium Falcon, they were telling her some of the stuff she never got to learn because she was with Luke on Ach-To. It was like a part of the Force suddenly vanished, like something left and the loss made Rey drop the warm expression on her face and frown.

She immediately recognized it was the death of a force-sensitive. She didn't know how. She took short, scared breaths and felt her eyes water. Compared to Luke's passing, that was peaceful and filled with purpose, this one was remorseful, with exhaustion and a sliver of hope. "Rey? What's wrong?" 

She couldn't respond to Finn's worried voice. Her eyes widened and reached for Kylo's presence in her mind. She felt terror from his end as well.

He was alive. She cast her eyes down, her mind racing. Which meant... 

Rey's jaw fell open and her lip quivered. Suddenly Kylo's fear paused. She took a deep breath. "Rey you're scaring us, what is it?" 

She blinked at her friends. "Leia's gone." She said.

"What?" Rose asked in confusion. 

"Someone needs to go to her room!" Rey managed to say before she doubled over and fell to the floor, one hand on the cold surface as his feelings passed over to her.

Horror, pain, shock. 

It was too much, it was unbearable. Her shoulders shook and she felt a tear escape the corner of her eye. She wasn't sure what was happening around her, someone had rushed over to her and someone else was running.

Good, someone went to find her. Rey tried to endure Ben's grief and she shut her eyelids tightly. She wanted to hold him, she wanted to cry with him, wars be damned he needed this and so did she. 

"Ben?" Her tone was gentle, she had no idea if he would hear her but she didn't know what else to do. 

She stood up and dragged herself to her room, ignoring people's words behind her. They couldn't reach her, she was sure Finn would call Poe and the members of the Resistance on the other ship. 

She couldn't deal with anyone else right now. Rey put out a hand to the wall to stand upright and open her door. She had the privillege of having a room to herself. It was at this moment that she appreciated it.

She entered and closed the door behind her. Leaning against the metal, her voice cracked. "Ben?!"

For once, the Force Bond opened when she really wanted it to. He materialized across from her, his knees on the floor and his hair disheveled, his fists clenching. He had taken his formal attire off and was just in a white training t-shirt and his black pants. 

His body was shaking and his mouth was open as a growl tore its way from his throat. His cheeks weren't soaked yet and he hadn't realized she was there. Her vision blurred and she blinked. He looked at her and he swallowed.

What could she say? I'm sorry? Words were meaningless in a situation like this. Rey let out a sob and crossed the space between them with quick steps. She kneeled down next to him, his eyes following her. They stared at each other and he let the anger give way to sadness. 

His eyes filled with tears and he let out a broken sob that was enough to make Rey wrap her arms around him and press her face close to his neck. 

For the first time his screams weren't angry and terrifying, they were of sorrow and pain. His sobs kept coming and made his chest and stomach move against her. She held on, as his moans of grief echoed off the Bond and the room.

Rey's touch with his skin triggered other visions as well.

_A little boy, less than ten years old, was walking next to his mother, a beautiful woman with brown hair. "Ben, what is it? Why do you look so glum?"_

_Ben sighed. "It's nothing, mum."_

_They stopped walking. The woman turned to her son. "It's not nothing, tell me. You were just playing with your friends."_

_He looked at her and moved his mouth around. "Yeah I was..."_

_"Did something happen?" She asked._

_"I just... I thought they liked me." He looked up at his mum. "Mum, am I really a freak?"_

_"Honey, no, who said that?" Leia touched her son's hands into her own._

_"A boy and then everyone else... I just made the ball float to my hands since it went farther away from us. I thought they would admire it but they all looked at me with disgust and fear."_

_His sad eyes found his mother's again. Leia breathed in. "Listen to me, Ben. You're not a freak, you're special." She said. "Those kids will never get to understand what you can do and this is probably what makes them be a little unsure of you."_

_"Then what if I want to be normal?"_

_"You don't want to be normal, normal is boring. Your father thinks so, too."_

_Ben looked away. "He's never here."_

_Leia closed her mouth and took another breath. "Those children don't deserve your friendship, Ben. They can't see you for who you are, maybe they're even jealous of you."_

_His mother stood up again and the boy felt better._

Rey cried harder.

_He wished they would stop._

_His father had only returned two days ago. Ben was partly mad at him but partly happy. He hugged him, couldn't hold a grudge for too long, it was his dad after all. But two days they haven't stopped arguing._

_Yesterday it wasn't this loud, it began like banter. It always did, then ended up in a fight._

_Honestly, didn't they know he was there? If they really hated each other that much or at least disagreed on so many things, couldn't they do this elsewhere or quieter?_

_No, of course they couldn't. Ben turned in his bed, the covers over his head, in a futile attempt to lower their volume by covering his ears._

_He was cold, not cold when it comes to the temperature around him, in his head. There was that voice again, whispers starting to gather in his mind, making his heart race. He was scared._

_He gasped lightly as the monsters somehow overthrew the yells from the living room. He gritted his teeth as the creature spoke to him. 'They don't care about you.' He tried to shake his head under the covers, with small motions in case the monster could see him, that he was awake._

_'Don't you think that if they did, they would at least make sure you're in bed? They haven't spoken to you all day.'_

_It was true. Ben had been walking around doing nothing, his mother at a meeting, his father outside-probably checking on that ship of his- and he ate alone, a meal prepared by a droid._

_They are just busy, he was trying to tell himself. Busy. Busy so many times._

_He couldn't remember the last time his mother tucked him into bed or at least made sure he was alright and about to sleep. He couldn't remember the last time his father told him a story or kissed his forehead._

_'You are a burden to them.'_

_Ben knew there is no escaping the voice, countless times he had run to his parents begging them to keep the monster away but they never did anything. His mother told him to resist it, that he was strong and got tired of hearing him complain after a while. Claiming that he was old enough to face this._

_Twelve years old he was now. He wanted to go to sleep. Only then would the voice stop._

_He was sweating. He hoped for a nice dream, tonight. The sun, like last time._

Rey pressed her forehead on his shoulderline. 

_He didn't react when his mother told him he should go to Uncle Luke. He sat there, unmoving._

_"It's the best for you, Ben. We can't help you the way Luke can. He can teach you how to be a Jedi!" She tried to convince her son that this was marvellous news._

_It wasn't._

_Had anyone ever asked him what he wanted? He didn't want to be a Jedi, he wanted to be loved._

_"I understand."_

_But maybe Luke wouldn't fail him like his parents had. Maybe his path was to be a Jedi and this is where he will finally find his purpose._

_He decided to trust his uncle. He was all he had left. Ben doubted his mother, especially his father, would care to see him after sending him off to the Jedi Academy. After... throwing him away._

_They were his parents. He would always love them... even if they didn't love him anymore. Even if they never did._

 

They didn't know for how long they were on the floor like that, the cries and the visions making it hard to comprehend time.

When the sounds died down, Rey pushed away and looked at his face. It was wet with his tears, his eyes pink and swollen. She brought a hand to his unmarked cheek. "They did love you." She whispered softly.

He flinched. His eyes travelled around her face.

"It doesn't-" He took a deep breath. "Matter. Anymore." He pulled away from Rey. "They're all gone now and I," Rey furrowed her brows at his change in behavior, her arms falling to her side next to her knees. Standing up, he continued. "I finally have nothing holding me back." 

She stood up too, at that. "Ben, no. I can sense your light, it's brighter, it won't go out."

"Sense it all you want." He spoke quickly and grounded his teeth. He turned his back on her. "An attack is long overdue."

Rey could only stare in silence at the empty room.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope it managed to touch some of yalls souls  
> i can't wait to end this fic  
> thanks for reading!! comments are adored and appreciated!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ▪I wanted to keep you  
> forever next to me ▪  
> ▪You know that I still do  
> And all I wanted was to believe▪

Leia Organa-Solo's death was shocking to the rest of the galaxy as well as inspiring.

The planets that the Resistance communicated with were informed and then those informed everyone else they knew. Eventually, the entire system was aware that their princess was gone.

With how much Leia had achieved and done for the galaxy and its peace, they were all determined to help. Their previous hesitation to assist the rebellion disappeared and within two days, the Resistance was offered ships and members.

Courageous people that weren't allies decided to rush and aid the cause. One of those were the Naboo. Rey hadn't heard of the planet before, she didn't know any, to be frank. Growing up alone on one of the worst and minor planets had such consequences.

Poe had taken up the position of the General and was discussing with the others about making Naboo their, temporary or not, base. 

It seems like the world is realizing that the end is coming. Either for the First Order or the Resistance and they are taking a stand.

After what happened with Ben, Rey felt more emotionally drained than ever. She stayed in her room, not saying a word, sitting on the cold floor and gazing at the walls.

His mother died. And although he grieved and cried and let her hold him, he thought that a weakness, an obstacle was conquered. But not just one, the last one.

He thinks that now he will finally be the cruel evil supervillain he wanted to be. So be it. 

He wants to kill her friends, he wants to destroy them and impose his tyranny. He's the enemy and many people will be safer without him, her included.

She ignored the part of her that ached at her thoughts and at last, she created the lightsaber she was dreaming of. Her excitement was missing.

 

* * *

 

 The First Order hadn't attacked sooner because the Resistance members were like ants in a gigantic universe. 

Kylo Ren gave a similar excuse to General Hux when they left Crait, continued to give many versions of it several other times since the man was so intent to kill them. Kylo knew this excuse was a cover-up for not wanting to kill her. 

They were keeping an eye at them though, so to speak, so they knew that now the Resistance was more than that, they were growing to be a strong uprising again. Hux wasn't amused.

Kylo felt lost. He knew what he should do as a Supreme Leader but his heart wasn't in it.

No, his heart was somewhere else. He could feel the light inside him, it would never leave, only drive him to madness until he destroyed himself from the knowledge of his own horrifying actions.

He was an orphan. He murdered his own father because he listened to the monster that haunted him since he was a baby. Because he thought it was the only way for the conflict, for his weak feelings to end. 

The action backfired and left him with the opposite result.

Regret. Then what did he do? He killed Snoke for Rey. He killed his abuser, his nightmare. The creature who made him kill his father and order so many other people dead just to convince him that he could be someone great- that he could be a new Darth Vader. 

And he was alone again, because Rey didn't want the same things as him. Luke died in his effort to save the rest of the Resistance that day, not by Kylo's hand because he was a Force projection. 

He didn't think he would ever forgive Luke for failing the way he did. Waking up in the middle of the night to find your Uncle, your last hope, with an ignited lightsaber over your body wasn't something he would ever move on from. Luke was his breaking point. The sad thing was the old man was aware of his mistake and had regret as well. 

He was glad they were dead. He hated his family.

And he hated that there was little piece of love left deep down. Not a day went by that he didn't wish he was treated better and that his efforts were recognized for holding on for twenty-three years. 

Ben Solo. That was the person Rey wanted. He hoped that she gave up on him after their last meeting. 

His intensity was gone today. He was like a ghost. Aboard the grand First Order ship, his black boots slid on the floor as he walked to the wide cockpit area.

There were General Hux and the men at the gun controls and overviewing monitors. The ginger-head turned to him and raised his jaw and brows. "Glad you could join us, Supreme Leader." He scoffed, irritated, the corners of his lips curling falsely.

"Do we have more information on the whereabouts of the Resistance?" He asked coldly.

Hux hummed and grinned evilly. "Of course. It seems like Leia Organa's death has made multiple planets want to help the rebel scum, one of those being the planet of Naboo. I have reason to believe it is their current destination." He held his head high, proud of himself.

"What reason is that?" Kylo asked, narrowing his eyes at the General. 

Hux clicked his tongue and took a breath, not losing his air of superiority. "We have a spy on the planet, he has heard of their communications with the Resistance." 

Kylo's eyes went wider and his nostrils flared slightly. "And you arranged that without my approval?" His tone sharp.

"Would it not have been given if I had asked? It is such a simple matter, not worth disturbing you, sir." Hux's eyes glinted with satisfaction in trapping him. 

Kylo swallowed, some of his familiar anger rising up. He turned from the General and looked at the screens. "We must keep surveillance on Naboo." He states.

Hux cuts in with a false grin. "Yes, sir. We await word from our spy to fly immediately to Naboo and attack the Resistance ships. The canons are in perfect condition."

Kylo Ren whipped his head around and glared at Hux. "Acting without my agreement, again General?" He hissed. His hands turning into a first, the thought of Force choking him passing through.

Hux hurried to reply. "I only act on what I find beneficial so that The First Order succeeds, the rebellious Resistance is the greatest threat to us and our goal is to end it, is not? Would our  _Supreme Leader_  have us do differently?" Hux sets his jaw.  

Kylo struggled not to sneer. He now realized how much power Hux actually had in his hands. He was trying to embarass him in front of the biggest First Order members about his leadership. 

He had no doubt in his mind that his army was loyal to him and him alone. Kylo had underrated how dangerous he was. And now it was too late. 

"No." He said, not without disgust at the man before him. "Proceed." 

He looked at the members around him, they seemed to be all intrigued by their exchage of dialogue but not bold enough to stare. Kylo felt, not for the first time, trapped.

Hux had been influencing the army and taking power behind his back. He had been caught up in his temper tantrums, Rey, his conflict and recently his mother's death. 

If Hux wanted, he could order the stormtroopers to fire at Kylo. He might be a powerful force-sensitive but not even the Force can hold off an entire army if they listened to him. 

Was he at his mercy, now? Hux was lettting him live because he had a superpower and thought it would come in handy? He was already pushing his decisions and doing what he wanted. 

Only if he became just as villainous, would he be safe. And even then, Hux suspected his treason.

What had he done?

He couldn't go home. This time, because there was no home. This was all he had, being the leader of something just on a title, while the General marches forward and holds his life in his hands. Sure, Kylo could kill Hux but then, what if everyone else turns against him? A life caged. 

This is what he deserved. 

Not being strong enough to shut out the light, or resist the dark, not being good enough to be paid attention to when he was younger, not being evil enough to lead an army, to kill his mother, not being able to rule ruthlessly. He was no Vader, Snoke was right, he was just a child in a mask. And the mask is broken.

Maybe Ben Solo wasn't dead. Maybe he never was. 

But there was nothing for him anymore.

And this is what he deserves. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

A sound goes off in the room and the spy lets them now. "They're here." Kylo's stomach drops and his eyelids waver. He tries to reach out for her through his mind and feel her energy. He could sense emotions sometimes. But now there are none. 

The ship goes into hyperspace, the destination; Naboo. Kylo had heard of his planet when he was a little boy. He couldn't remember what it was about it, but he knew that it was connected to his family somehow.

Kylo watched as the view of the ship changed to the dark of space and the colors of the Naboo planet.

A few round ships were hovering over it, a main one and smaller. Kylo saw Hux grinning viciously from the corner of his eye. The General turned to him, with a challenging look.

"Fire." 

Kylo noticed an escape pod leaving the main ship before the Resistance ships started flying, heading towards the planet. "Don't lose them!" Hux exclaimed. 

Unnerved by the escape pod, Kylo reached for the Force, trying to find Rey one more time. He felt fear mixed with determination on her end. 

_Come find me, monster._

Kylo shuddered at her voice in his head. Was this a new ability from their Force Bond? How did she do it? He sensed her energy apart from the rebel ships. 

He felt a relief run through his veins, the fact that he was going to see her again before they wiped them out. Or before the Resistance did that. 

Monster. He always will be.

She had decided. She saw clearly and she was going to kill him, he knew it. He blinked and felt at ease. Dying by her hand would be the best way to go, he thought. He probably didn't deserve that either, death by such an extraordinary girl but he was thankful.

He turned to the officers. "Prepare my shuttle." 

Hux glared at him. "Excuse me, Supreme Leader, where-"

"The girl has escaped from the ship, I'm hunting her down on Naboo."

"Ah, the girl who murdered Supreme Leader Snoke?" His tone held some mockery that Kylo greatly disliked. 

"Yes. She is the Resistance's biggest weapon and a threat to the First Order. Surely, you can agree that she needs to be taken care of." He spoke with his teeth gritting. 

He didn't wait for Hux's response. He stormed away to the place of his shuttle. 

Hux lets out a growl when he disappears. "He disappoints us one more time! Do you see, now? He doesn't care for the First Order, what kind of Supreme Leader abandons his army during battle?!" He yelled passionately. 

"Sir-"

"No, no, no! You think he has gone to kill her? And you believe one girl alone could defeat Supreme Leader Snoke and his Guards? He is a traitor! They worked together and they are going to do the same now!"

"You are talking treason, sir, but-"

"All I have ever done was work for the benefit of our order and it is me who should be in charge!" 

Silence covered the control room, the officers taking in the General's outburst. "Sir, we need orders. The Resistance has taken up speeders and X-Wings."

Hux inhaled deeeply. "Very well. Fire and don't lose the main ship."

 

* * *

* * *

 

Naboo was a beautiful place. Rey had only seen the beauty of Takodana to compare it to, but it was just as breath-taking if not more.

She landed on a large remoted area like she wanted. It was a valley surrounded by foggy moutains with waterfalls running through them. She had not seen a waterfall before. It was magnificent, fresh water cascading among green and brown. 

The valley under her feet was soft but solid. The little plants were short at the time, maybe in a few they would grow taller and this will be like a field. 

The location held a strange nostalgic essence, she wondered if there was any history behind it.

She didn't know she could talk to him telepathically. It was something that felt possible at the moment and she went for it. She expected him to find her anyway, from her Force signature and she knew she would be noticed escaping.

Rey was going to end this. 

She was going to kill him and the Resistance would take down the First Order. Finally there will be peace.

Something at the back of her head and deep in her soul, wanted to stop her but she didn't let it. 

Soon, he will be here and they settle this once and for all. As enemies. Like they always should have been. 

She hears a distant noise and looks up at the sky. His shuttle appears and she turns around, fixing her expression and her stance to face him. 

Her weapon felt heavy at her hip. She watched as he exited the dark ship and came into view. 

He was wearing his cape, his formal black attire and his black hair moved across his face due to the winds passing through as he walked to her. 

He didn't match with the background, he was dark and he was cold. 

"Kylo Ren." Rey greeted, using the correct name. 

He flinched. She hadn't called him that, not even when they fought on StarKiller or during their first moments on Ach-To. It sounded strange. He didn't like it.

"Rey." He said gently.

Her face softened for a second and then her nostrils flared. "You know why I'm here, don't you?" She placed her hand on the saber strapped to her waist. 

He smiled sadly. He pulled out his own lightsaber, the familiar crossguard. "Yes." He said and ignited it, red light masking the spot at his right. 

Rey looked at the fiery blade and then looked at his brown eyes. She didn't look away from them as she pulled out hers and held it from the middle against her side. The handle had to be made longer. She pressed a button, blue light eminating from the end and instantly pressed another. 

Kylo stared in awe at the blue saberstaff, a pair of twin blue blades as one, in the grip of a brown-haired woman with hazel eyes. He didn't hide his admiration from her. Of course it wouldn't be a usual lightsaber, if he could he would have laughed at that thought.

She was a unique creature, wild and exotic, passionate and kind. There will never be another like her in all the galaxies and momentarily he felt an overwhelming pride in seeing her be the warrior he wanted to teach her how to be. 

She strode forwards and charged, he brought up his saber to block it. The other end was turned to him and he ducked. She moved back and he stroke. The double-ended saber pushed at his and he pulled away. 

The duel dragged them farther on the valley. She let out a groan of battle and charged at him again. He deflected and moved around, changing their positions.

"I believed in you!" She yelled and hit his saber with quick moves from both ends. He didn't respond, but was getting emotionally fueled as well. "I trusted you!" 

He growled and charged at her, she moved aside and hit at his weapon over and over. "And you chose the First Order." She said with anger behind her words.

He snarled as their blades clashed. "What did you expect?!" He shouted. "I'm a monster, I told you."

"I expected that you would rather come home!" She yelled and twisted her saber until she got backed away. 

He looked at her with eyes of remorse but his words were like a knife. "Well I _have_ no home anymore." His red lightsaber was over her head, one of the blades she used to deflect it, while the other was reaching for his body. 

She struggled, her breath ragged as she looked at the mixed light of the sabers, almost a purple and again at his sensitive face. "You," She started. "Could have." 

There was a pause and then she pulled away with a groan of effort. She stood and watched him as he looked down and heaved. 

His knees bent and he was on the ground. Sweating and panting he breathed through his nostrils and looked up at her. "What are you doi-"

"You really think those friends of yours could ever forgive me?" He asked with exhaustion in his voice. It was not as much of a question as a statement or a joke. He shut off his saber and put it back at his belt.

She stood over him, her lips parting but not knowing what to say. 

"That what, they would believe I changed? After all that's happened?"

"Ben-" She bit her lip, looking elsewhere, realizing her mistake and stopping.

His eyelids fluttered. "I don't deserve you, Rey." She looked at him again at this. "I never will." Her brows furrowed, not belieiving what she was hearing. "Kill me. End this, you know you must." 

She tried to find her earlier confidence about getting rid of him. But what she found was a blur in her eyes and a heart being ripped apart. 

"Do it. Please." His voice was soft, soft like that day in the throne room where he offered her the galaxy. 

Rey felt her tears coming and she couldn't fight them. She looked at the waterfalls behind him. "Damn you." She whispered with pain in her voice. "You only ever think about yourself." She sniffed. "What about me?" She looked at him. 

He wasn't sure what to say. "I thought you-"

She let out a choked laugh. "I thought I could do it. I really thought I could finish this," She shook her head as tears fell down her cheeks. "But I can't." 

"Rey-"

"I can't! I can't do this!" She shut her saber and let it fall to the ground. "I can't kill you." She said with torment.

She kneeled down next to him.

"Ben," She raised a shaky hand towards him. He trembled. "I, I discovered something... listen to me?" 

He did nothing but look at her eyes and wait. She let her hand touch his cheek. He swallowed. She inhaled deeply. "I have the old Jedi texts. They thought that balance was both light and dark. Together." She searched his eyes. "That was the will of the Force and what would bring peace."

"You believe that?" He asked quietly.

"I didn't." She wetted her lips, taking a breath. "But now I want to." Ben's eyes were warm and his lips almost smiled.

"Please, come with me." She said and let her forehead touch his with her eyes closed. Her heartbeat was incredibly fast, his was too and he let out a small breath at their close distance. "I accept you and I need you. I don't care what the others will think." She whispered.

Ben was stunned by the turn of their meeting, he felt something he hadn't felt in a long time, hope. He looked at his hand and took off the leather glove. He touched her cheek in return.

Their skin to skin contact was unlike anything he ever dreamed. He wanted this, he thought. He didn't want power, he didn't want the galaxy, he wanted this feeling. Everyday, for the rest of his life. 

He wanted Rey. 

And just like that, he knew what he had to do. The only way to be with her, the only way for this wrecked war to end. The only way to finally become the person his family wanted him to be. The only way to gain some worth as a person.

"I'll come back for you, sweetheart." 

He whispered and stood up. He started walking with quick steps to his shuttle. "Ben?!" He heard her yell behind him. 

He took off and returned to space to find the First Order.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than I wanted but here it is anyway.  
> I hope you enjoy the way the plot is progressing! One more chapter!  
> Comments are appreciated and rewarded with cookies :$


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